Not Ready to Make Nice with this goal – Coffee is just my addiction

I just can’t help myself.  For the first time in a long time I am writing one of my “song of the day” blogs.  If you aren’t familiar with these let me give you a brief background.

Last year when I was faced with a divorce I had to find a way to channel all my emotions.  I tried everything!  I walked two miles to work and two miles home everyday as well as daily runs to try and increase the amount of exercise in my life at the suggestion of my mother.  I tried drawing, but then remembered it’s not one of my strongest skills so I ended up just being frustrated.  From there I tried spending more time with friends, which was beneficial but at the same time didn’t allow me to reflect on my feelings.  That’s when I remembered how much music has been a positive part of my life since birth.

My mom is an amazing trumpet player.  I’ve grown up listening to her play off and on for as long as I can remember.  My father plays the trombone which I followed in his foot steps and played for seven years.  My sister also played trumpet.  My brother plays piano and sings incredibly.  He actually does backup on major Christian Rock CD’s from time to time.  As a family we have always sat around the house blasting music and singing along. I mean that we did this daily.  I know it sounds strange, but music always connected us. From there I got into dancing and color guard.  Both of which allowed me to express myself through dance and music.

With that in mind I realized that in addition to the many things I was already doing, it was a good idea to do something involving music to channel my energy.  That’s when my friend suggested I start writing blogs with every post relating to a song.  After that simple suggestion my Song of the Day blogs began and proved at the time to be very beneficial when it comes to the goal of channeling my emotions.

Over the past year however, I have transitioned away from these postings, but not completely.  Today I am writing about a song that has graced the pages of this blog more than once, Not Ready to Make Nice by the Dixie Chicks.

sleeping beautiesWhy am I choosing this song?  I felt it necessary to share with you where I stand with my fight against coffee and a transition to a healthier lifestyle, which I wrote about yesterday. Today, I’ve decided I am not ready to make nice with this decision!

I woke up this morning after a restless night feeling even more exhausted than I did yesterday.  After clawing my way out of bed and dragging my body to the shower I started thinking as the water splashed down upon me, “what can I do to wake up?”

I ran 4 miles the night before so exercise was out of the question, not to mention I was running behind schedule this morning. To figure out what was left I mentally reviewed the alternative natural things that can help energize me in the morning.

First I popped a multivitamin, but realized that was pretty pointless considering the level to which I was exhausted.

After 15 minutes of waiting for that to kick in I realized how ridiculous I was being.  I’m exhausted! Green tea or natural energy products just won’t cut it so I caved.  In a defeatist move, I set up the coffee pot and started brewing my delicious cup of my favorite pick me up.


Next I decided to try Mio Energy, a liquid enhancer that you add to water. It contains 60 mg. of caffeine per 8 fl oz. serving and provides 10% of your daily value of vitamins B3, B6, and B12. It has no artificial flavors and zero calories per 8 fl oz. serving.

Then I realized how guilty I felt for failing one day after saying I was finally going to attempt to stop drinking coffee.  What a rough addiction to quit, and don’t kid yourself! Coffee is addictive and hard to kick.

With that all explained, I find myself not taking a step forward today.  Tomorrow is another day and I will try my hardest to stay away from the warm embrace of a cup of coffee, but in the meantime this failure got me thinking. Maybe I shouldn’t just be looking at ways to energize myself in a healthy manor, although I am proud of myself for taking on this transition and starting to exercise more.  Maybe it’s time I look at what is causing me to wake up so exhausted and not sleep through the night?

I may not be ready to make nice with my plan to cut out coffee, but I will keep fighting until I am living the healthiest lifestyle possible.  The day I walk into my cardiologist or gastrologist and am not given strict instructions to change things about my diet like coffee will be the day I know I have been successful.

Drifting along

Sitting there at my desk Thursday I was watching the time tick by. The night before I didn’t even get 5 hours of sleep so I barely floated through the day Thursday. Then the clock reached the anticipated hour. It was officially 5:00 pm. Without thinking and barely having cleaned up my desk I reached for my bag. My body moved forward as if it was on a moving sidewalk. I was just transported in my exhaustion from my desk to the subway.

At the top of the staircase leading down to the train platform I could already see the platform was packed. My only thought was in the form of one word and that word was, “SHIT”. Not a surprise to me at all and it most likely wouldn’t come to a surprise to any person living in New York City, but the MTA was screwed up again. Luckily I was too tired to do anything more than grunt so I went down the stairs and waited for the next train.

Like an angel floating through a dark tunnel I saw the light coming toward the station. I closed my eyes and mumbled to myself, “please be a N or Q train.” The R also comes through there but I can’t take it.

By the grace of the subway Gods it was a Q. I’d never been so happy to see a Q train in my life. The doors slid open in front of me and people pushed and shoved their way onto the crowded train. Honestly, being that all the seats were taken I was so thankful the train was crowded. The other passengers were the only thing holding me up.

Riding there on my two feet out to Queens I started to think about all the questions I wrote about the night before. I was questioning if I should run when I got home or take a rest. I decided I didn’t have the energy to answer yet. Who knows, maybe changing my clothes and getting some water would have energized me.

I arrived at the apartment and walked to the bedroom like I typically do to greet my dog. Before I could reach down to her crate my phone buzzed so I flung my body onto the bed with my shoe covered feet dangling over the edge to read the text message that had just arrived. I responded promptly and laid there waiting for the next text in the conversation. I thought to myself, “why not take a little break to lay and text before walking the dog”.

Next thing I knew I woke up laying on the bed on my stomach with both feet still dangling off the bed. One shoe was still on and one had some how been kicked off. The iPhone rested comfortably in my hand as if I was a child holding a teddy bear. Then I heard movement in the corner of the room which I knew was the dog so I rolled over to say hi to her and noticed the time. I had slept for almost an hour. I had my answer. Running did not start back up again on that Thursday, September 6th.

Halfway through the evening I realized that my body made the best decision. Insomnia can be a pain in the butt. You battle it like it’s some type of unavoidable plague. You know you should fight it but you’re damned if you’re going to beat it when it wants to assault you and I know that my insomnia would creep it’s nasty little head back into my night.

Bedtime arrived and it was time to put myself to sleep and I couldn’t. I knew I should. I knew I was exhausted and it was showing in my eyes, but I was damned if I was going to fall asleep right when I laid down.

You see I left out the events of my evening. There was of course the emotions of missing my someone special, but to couple that with exhaustion and the ghost of my childhood past, well it was just damn near too much.

You see, a realative of mine who I hadn’t spoken to for over three years now had called me. Honestly, I was feeling lonely and sad when I saw his name flash on the screen of my iPhone. I thought, “well, I gotta start some where with him. Why not here and now? I have a nice champagne buzz going, so at least I have that as a lubricant to the conversation”.

I answered the phone. After maybe three minutes of productive, but admittedly awkward conversation we hung up and the silence returned to the apartment. I was left with my thoughts, the dark, and the bed. I was left to process the night and then lay myself down to sleep at midnight.

12:25 rolled around and I knew I was going to struggle for another evening. It was no shock to me when I closed my eyes that there was more distractions than when I had them open in the middle of Times Square.

You see, when I lay down alone I ask myself questions that I don’t think can be answered. My mind swirls around reality and thoughts of the future. My mind just gets away from me…

To be continued…

Song of the Day – I’m So Tired by the Beatles

Song of the Day – I’m So Tired by the Beatles

After a handful of consecutive nights without much sleep I felt it only appropriate to post this song as my song of the day.  The only meaning behind the choice is that I am so damn tired.  For the first time in over a week I actually took the time to make coffee this morning.  Without a little boost from my dear friend coffee I am sure I would be face down on my desk right now.  I am so damn tired.

Unfortunately this song is so slow it’s putting me to sleep! It’s the strangest feeling lately.  I am exhausted all day and wiped at night.  I lay down in bed, close my eyes and I don’t sleep.  If I do fall asleep it is in such a state of angst I get no benefit out of it. I am so tired.

Tonight I will attempt to use some aromatherapy to relax my mind before bed.  Then I will have a cup of herbal tea.  Most likely something like Yogi Tea’s Relax Mind Tea or Bedtime Tea.  Then when I realize that natural attempts at helping me sleep is all bull, I will go to the bathroom and take two of those little blue over-the-counter Tylenol PM pills that will help me doze off for one night of restful sleep.

In the mean time as we all drudge through our day, for those of you who are also tired, please enjoy an old classic from one of the greatest groups to ever walk the planet.  I’m so Tired by the Beatles.