Bobby TBD – Explained – Live Like You Were Dying

Bobby TBD – Explained

What the heck does the TBD stand for?  It’s exactly what you think it stands for, Bobby To Be Determined.  I’ve hinted at the meaning behind the TBD in my earlier posting titled Song of the Day – Say My Name by Destiny’s Child, but I haven’t ever delved into the topic.  This became clear to me after yet another person asked me.  I guess it’s clear to some and confusing to others, which makes sense I guess.

Bobby TBD started as a joke because I need to decide if I am going to keep my married last name of Argabrite or change my last name now that I will not longer be apart of the family this name is associated with.  Once the joke died a handful of close friends started talking to me about how perfect TBD defined my current situation and life.

Since I was 18 I defined myself by my relationship.  That is no ones fault but my own, but in the process I lost myself.  I changed my appearance and style over the past 8 years.  I changed my name.  I changed my surroundings.  I changed my friends at times.  I changed my hobbies.  Frankly speaking, I molded myself to my relationship which kind of explains why I am where I am.

Now, at 26, I get to jump head first into a new life.  I get to determine everything for myself.  What’s my personality?  What is my style?  What are my hobbies?  What are my past times?  Who are my friends?

With this all said, at the same time I am not who I was 8 years ago.  I have had many positive changes in my life over the past 8 years.  I have had a pretty good life really.  There are many things that I love about my life currently.  Moving forward I get to find myself.  I get to merge the old me, the married me and the growing me into one person.

The biggest change right now is to live on the edge.  I wrote about this earlier in my I Wanna Be Bad posting.  It all comes down to the fact that I’ve lived my life so afraid of what could happen that I haven’t tested the waters to see if what could happen in life could very well be a good thing.

Entering this process to define myself I have begun to branch out.  I caved and had sushi a few weeks ago.  I never would have done that before and I loved it.  I went to Skyroom, a bar I never would have gone to before because it is the scene, yet I loved it.  I am going on a Pride party boat this weekend, which again would have been something I never would have considered.  I already love it!  Oddly, the thing I look most forward to is all the exercise related activities I am taking on. Running has always been a part of my life, but now I am going to get back into racing!  That is me.  It’s in my blood.  I am also going to start Yoga.  Well, I’ll give it a try.  I think having an exercise rich life will be me, but it’s still to be determined.

And maybe I won’t love everything I try and experience moving forward, but I am testing life.  I am defining myself.  Finding out what there is in life and what I like or don’t like.  Bobby is to be determined and I am going to be me for me and living life for me for a while.  I think that’s what’s best and I am excited (and admittedly a bit nervous) about it!  For a while I am going to live like I am dying.   Close my eyes and take chances.  Let my OCD and anxieties wash over me and dive head first into everything.  I guess there could be worse ways to deal with divorce or a breakup right?

Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw

Oooo Girl – Cher is owning me with Believe today

Believe by Cher

Can I just take a gay moment here for a second?  I mean, I know I take very few gay moments as it is.  Cher is owning me with this song today.  Do you believe in love after love or life after love?  Goodness knows after my relationship of 7.5 years coming to an end I have been devastated but none-the-less I do believe love is out there for me.

I do believe there is a guy out there who will treat me like a prince and appreciate all my rough edges.  I might be a lot to tame, but there is a man out there who will know just how to tame me.  Someone who will appreciate how brightly my flame burns and will dance with me as I flicker throughout this life.

In the meantime though I am going to dance in the dark and believe in love after love and life after love.  I will continue to have a blast, be my loud and annoying self and most importantly embrace all the love and support I get from my friends, family and twitter-sphere.

Becoming Miss(ter) Independent and My Horoscope

Becoming Miss(ter) Independent and My Horoscope

Yes, I realize that I have written about my feelings in regards to horoscopes already, but this is pretty much exact to my day so far.  My horoscope today says:

Learning to be Miss(ter) Independent

Monday, June 18, 2012 – You might be in emotional distress today, finding it difficult to ask for what you want. Your thoughts seem to be buzzing around in never-ending circles as they continue to grow more intense. Controlling your impulses is your smartest strategy to keep things from unraveling now. Thankfully, there’s no need to be overly concerned because your mood will likely shift midday, enabling you to settle down and accomplish your goals.

via Taurus horoscope for Monday, June 18, 2012.

If you read any of my morning tweets or my song of the day blog earlier about being totally f*cked you are already aware that I woke up in a mood that is very accurately defined as “emotionally distressed”.  I kind of wanted to smack myself in the face a bit this morning.  Life is a bitch, this is no lie, but I feel like I am too hard on myself at times.

Now that it is one in the afternoon I am starting to come around to a more confident mood again.  I am sure that processing a divorce is going to cause me multiple mood swings over the next year even though I think the divorce is the best thing for me.  Partying a bit too hard last night doesn’t help things either.  I should know not to go out so hard when my emotions are such a mess as is, but at the same time I am going through a lot and it’s only natural to not be totally in control every once in a while.  No one said divorce was going to be easy right?

Now I just need to stick to the one line in the horoscope saying to control my impulses.  My impulses are crazy lately.   I plan to stick with my decision this morning to not drink as much as I have been for a while.  Maybe I won’t completely cut alcohol out of my life for a month like I did in May, but I will cut it drastically back.  With that decided I will increase my exercise routines drastically.

No more of the 3 day a week running routine.  I have a new New York Sports Club gym membership.  It’s time I put it to work!  It’s time I make exercise a 5 day a week routine at least.

Two friends and a therapist also suggested I incorporate Yoga into my life.  I’ve never been much of  a Yoga person, but I honestly never gave it a real shot either.  I’m sure it will help with my stress levels and at the same time help increase flexibility… which, let’s be honest, if I am going to be single I need to be flexible when it comes time to start dating again!  Men like boys whose hamstrings aren’t overly tight from running (too much information?).

I also think acupuncture will help, but I haven’t really looked into it yet.

All of this is obtainable and as my mood has changed midday (as my horoscope indicated it would) I feel like goals aren’t too far out there if I just settle down a bit.  Reaching these goals are important because I think they will help me get myself to a better mental place.  I’ll be able to handle my emotions better as I dive headfirst through the recovery process of having the last 7 1/2 years of my life washed away as if a tsunami crashed on top of me.  Most importantly sticking to these goals and doing these things will help me understand, be come comfortable with and be confident in being independent, something I am not totally comfortable with (as I explained earlier).

Really what it boils down to, and I don’t want to repeat anything from my song of the day blog, but I just need confidence.  Achieving these goals, which seem relatively basic and simple in theory, will help me regain confidence in myself.  I have to remind myself that I am going to be a hot mess from time to time as I go through all of the hellish things I have been going through and not to beat myself up to much for it.  I just have to find myself and not listen to the discouragement I receive that this person I am slowly starting to introduce to the light isn’t a person worth introducing to the light.

Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson

Song of the Day – Say My Name by Destiny’s Child

Song of the Day – Say My Name by Destiny’s Child

Photo taken from:

After a very great day yesterday laying out at the beach with friends and then an even better night out dancing with the same friends I arrived home in the early hours of the morning expecting to fall straight into bed.  Right before I was able to though, a little controversy popped up.

It’s not something I hadn’t already been discussing with friends, but it was something that I think is important to think about and is 100 percent my choice to make.   While I won’t explain how or why this came up last night, I have to decide on what name I want to go by.  I was born Bobby William Whetsell III, but when I got married I took my husband’s name.  My name was then switched to Bobby William Argabrite (although I never used the William).

Now that I am no longer married (well technically in the process of no longer being married) I have to decide what to do about my name.  For a while I thought I would just keep Argabrite.  It’s become my identity.  Then I started thinking that the name carries a lot of “shade” (to snatch a word from the song embedded below).

I think it’s time to start over from scratch.  I’ve said it before and I will say it again, time for a new me and a new life.  Let’s distance me from Argabrite.  The main question under consideration is whether I should I go back to Bobby Whetsell or switch to my mother’s maiden name, Bobby Porter?  I considered my step-dads last name, which would make my name Bobby Hall, but it sounds too much like a butch hockey player.

I realize at the end of the day a name is just a name, but I am in the process of trying to find myself and redefine myself so I think my name plays a part in that.  For the time being I think I will just go by Bobby TBD since my name is to be determined.  It has a fun ring to it I think.

This controversy last night (which I am not really going to go into in this posting) and my previous thoughts on the topic have inspired the selection of Say My Name by Destiny’s Child to be today’s song of the day.  Not only is it a song with “name” in the title, which is just a fitting title for the issue on my mind at this moment, but the lyrics are in sync with some of the dramatics that I have gone through in the past few months.  It’s always a good day when you reach back to music from your past to dance around to in your living room.