Bobby TBD – Explained – Live Like You Were Dying

Bobby TBD – Explained

What the heck does the TBD stand for?  It’s exactly what you think it stands for, Bobby To Be Determined.  I’ve hinted at the meaning behind the TBD in my earlier posting titled Song of the Day – Say My Name by Destiny’s Child, but I haven’t ever delved into the topic.  This became clear to me after yet another person asked me.  I guess it’s clear to some and confusing to others, which makes sense I guess.

Bobby TBD started as a joke because I need to decide if I am going to keep my married last name of Argabrite or change my last name now that I will not longer be apart of the family this name is associated with.  Once the joke died a handful of close friends started talking to me about how perfect TBD defined my current situation and life.

Since I was 18 I defined myself by my relationship.  That is no ones fault but my own, but in the process I lost myself.  I changed my appearance and style over the past 8 years.  I changed my name.  I changed my surroundings.  I changed my friends at times.  I changed my hobbies.  Frankly speaking, I molded myself to my relationship which kind of explains why I am where I am.

Now, at 26, I get to jump head first into a new life.  I get to determine everything for myself.  What’s my personality?  What is my style?  What are my hobbies?  What are my past times?  Who are my friends?

With this all said, at the same time I am not who I was 8 years ago.  I have had many positive changes in my life over the past 8 years.  I have had a pretty good life really.  There are many things that I love about my life currently.  Moving forward I get to find myself.  I get to merge the old me, the married me and the growing me into one person.

The biggest change right now is to live on the edge.  I wrote about this earlier in my I Wanna Be Bad posting.  It all comes down to the fact that I’ve lived my life so afraid of what could happen that I haven’t tested the waters to see if what could happen in life could very well be a good thing.

Entering this process to define myself I have begun to branch out.  I caved and had sushi a few weeks ago.  I never would have done that before and I loved it.  I went to Skyroom, a bar I never would have gone to before because it is the scene, yet I loved it.  I am going on a Pride party boat this weekend, which again would have been something I never would have considered.  I already love it!  Oddly, the thing I look most forward to is all the exercise related activities I am taking on. Running has always been a part of my life, but now I am going to get back into racing!  That is me.  It’s in my blood.  I am also going to start Yoga.  Well, I’ll give it a try.  I think having an exercise rich life will be me, but it’s still to be determined.

And maybe I won’t love everything I try and experience moving forward, but I am testing life.  I am defining myself.  Finding out what there is in life and what I like or don’t like.  Bobby is to be determined and I am going to be me for me and living life for me for a while.  I think that’s what’s best and I am excited (and admittedly a bit nervous) about it!  For a while I am going to live like I am dying.   Close my eyes and take chances.  Let my OCD and anxieties wash over me and dive head first into everything.  I guess there could be worse ways to deal with divorce or a breakup right?

Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw

Song of the Day – Grown Men Don’t Cry

Song of the Day – Grown Men Don’t Cry

For weeks now I have been posting songs of the day about strength.  I’ve told myself and written about the need to be strong and push forward with life.  It’s helped me, but it’s not been realistic.  I’ve told myself being strong means not letting yourself completely grieve sadness and pain.  Don’t get my wrong, I have cried some recently as I face a huge hell in life, but I haven’t truly cried.  I haven’t sat with a single person and just poured.  I haven’t let someone see me completely vulnerable.  I’ve wanted to be strong.  What I thought was strong anyways.

On his 2001 album Tim McGraw released a song called Grown Men Don’t Cry.  It takes on the stereotypical assumption that to be a man you can’t cry or show real emotion.  The song tells the listener that it is fine to cry.  That everyone does.

I’ve been fighting with every ounce of energy I have lately to not cry.  Anyone who follows me on Twitter or reads my blog will have seen that I have been extremely emotional, but few people can say they have seen me cry recently.  My therapist can’t even say that.  I’ve been afraid to allow myself to grieve any pains I feel.  I guess I’ve been afraid to show full weakness and vulnerability to anyone.

I’ve pumped myself full of songs about being strong and standing tall, but you know, while that is great you do have to grieve at some point.  Until now I think I was fooling myself thinking that everything in my life would right itself if I just kept trucking forward.  It’s a lie though.  Sometimes you have to break.  Sometimes you have to fall to your knees and let yourself go.  I don’t know why I thought I had to hide my crying and pain.  It’s not like I’m some butch man trying to act macho, but I did feel that way.  I sat with my best friend last Friday and the second I entered the room and sat in front of her my emotions went solid.  No tears formed.  I just spoke.  Then this past Sunday I met with a different friend that I haven’t seen since last Halloween.

He looked me in the eyes and said, “this may seem like a random comment being that we are just enjoying getting out of our apartments, but it needs to be said.  You need to cry.  Go in a room, turn the lights off and let everything out.  There is nothing wrong with that.”

Tim McGraw sang the same sentiment in his song Grown Men Don’t Cry.  I have to admit that I needed to breakdown.  Then last night (and for half of today) I finally did.  I feel weak and exposed now(although writing about it is really exposing myself, but in a different way) and yet  at the same time I feel human for the first time in weeks.  I feel like I couldn’t really start to grow from my experiences until I allowed myself to hurt, really hurt and feel that hurt.

Last Thursday a new friend of mine said in a taxi, “you really need to tell people what’s going on with you.  You need to talk.  You need to speak.”  I didn’t listen to what you he said and kept my walls up until last night.  Why? I have no clue because he was right as well.

With all this in mind I realize how dumb I’ve been.  I’ve not truly cried because I wanted to be strong (yes I have cried, but I haven’t truly let my emotions out).  Well now, maybe now I actually understand the true meaning of Whitney Houston’s song I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.  I finally released the flood gates.  Maybe that’s what strength really is.  I’m king at building walls and damns.  But that’s not strength, that’s fear.  Allowing myself to feel my emotions and grieve.  Maybe that’s what strength is.  Maybe?  I don’t know really.  I don’t feel better, but I feel very aware of my reality.

But as Tim McGraw said, “I don’t know why they say grown men don’t cry.”  Lord knows we do and that it’s necessary to life at times.  But it’s like I wrote about last week when I posted the Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine, you do have to let your emotions flow out of your fingertips.  Just because a battle or war ends doesn’t mean everything is fine and dandy in the world.  You then have to start the cleanup process.

Song of the Day – Wild At Heart by Gloriana

Song of the Day – Wild At Heart by Gloriana

I feel like this is one of those songs that I should just post and not write about.  With that said I love the line “I want to free fall for a while.”  I feel like sometimes you have to smack the shit out of yourself and stop feeling sorry for yourself.  You have to keep moving otherwise you aren’t living and if you aren’t living then you are taking advantage of life.

I may be a bit too much at times but that’s because I am truly wild at heart.  I miss dancing until I am drenched in sweat, makeup running down my face, hair product dripping and not giving a shit because I am rocking out like a 5-year-old on a pixie stick.  Sometimes you just have to be free and let loose.  It’s time I do that for me.

This song is aptly named exactly inline with my mood to embrace my feelings of having fun.  Not everything in life has to be black and white.  Not everything in life has to be obsessive-compulsive or anxiety filled. If my moods were a color spectrum with black on the left and hot pink on the right, my current emotional state is still left of center in a blue world, but I hope with some effort I can be bouncing around as the hot pink guy I am (as Antoine so appropriately puts it) soon.