For the first time since I announced that I had decided to leave New York City and head to Los Angeles I have decided to pick up my blogging again. Not exactly where I left off though. After a couple months off of my typical blogging routine which consisted of listening to music and writing I have found myself in a new place. A place where I feel safe and comfortable to start writing about my life again.
I took a break because I was sick of being sad. Every blog had a theme and that theme was me trying to make myself push through a horrible year. I was writing about divorce, life changes that scared the hell out of me and often the need to find strength even though I felt constantly weak.
Times have changed. You see, there was period last year, before I met my boyfriend and connected with many of the friends I have today where I felt broken. My heart ached everyday when I woke up and alone was a word that defined every fiber of my being. The guy crying in the corner of his kitchen on Riverside Drive as he watched everything he knew melt away is no longer the guy that I am. Today I am a guy who smiles surrounded by amazing people.
Yes, I still cry. Everyone knows it and anyone who has tried to say goodbye to me as I get ready to move this week has definitely witnessed a few tears fall from my eyes. Yes, I’m still not perfect, but I am one thing I wasn’t last year. I am loved and I know it. Many people in my life have watched me go through an emotional roller coaster this past month (and for that matter the past year and a half), but this past month the emotions are different. They aren’t sadness because I have nothing (sorry Whitney, but you aren’t getting this song of the day blog). They are tears of the best sort. You see I am no longer the guy that cries alone in his kitchen. I am the guy that knows he isn’t alone and is surrounded by love and compassion.
Last winter/spring a guy I use to think was a good friend called me and said I would never make real friends. I have the inability to connect and understand others and make friends, at least that’s how I was made to feel. I wouldn’t find that type of love. I’d be alone. For whatever reason, I believed him and among all the things I was feeling last year his words stained my heart and broke me just a bit more than I already was. I gave up all my strength and passed it to those who counted against me.
Now I’m in pain because I am sad that for the first time in my life I feel like I belong. I can honestly tell myself that my so called friend couldn’t have been more wrong and I was an idiot for listening to him. When I announced my decision to move it felt like the hearts and souls of everyone I know opened up and embraced me. The flood of support I received overwhelmed my senses in the best of ways while at the same time tearing down the negativity I had felt deep inside. Every tear I drop is dropped because I am sad, sad to have fought for so long to feel loved and supported to realize it was already right there in front of me and yet so happy that I have the ability to be sad in this way.
Maybe it sounds crazy, but a year ago I was crying because I had nothing. Now when I cry it is because I feel like I have everything I have ever wanted. I am thankful to shed tears because I have to say goodbye to people who love me. It’s a far distance from where I was a year ago.
I’m so thankful for these past few months and I’m so glad I get to leave New York knowing that I can be loved and I can make friends. It’s a new start that I get to start with a confidence that I owe to each of my friends, supporters, champions and my boyfriend. Even if I stumble a little here and there I am on my feet again.
Be prepared because BobbyTBD is back up and running and I will be detailing this new experience. This experience that isn’t about loss, but about gaining. It’s about rebirth. It will be about taking myself out of the constant blogs of needing to be strong and fighting to make it and instead they will be about the fact that I am strong and have made it.
I’m landing on my feet and I am standing tall so as a reintroduction to my long-lost Song of the Day blogs I am dedicating this first blog back to the ever amazing song sung by Cher, You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me because this is a song I wrote about a year ago and what it meant to my life at the time. I wrote swearing to those who counted against me, like my so called friend briefly mentioned above, that I was going to make it and you shouldn’t count me out or down. I have landed on my feet and as Cher sings, “you can’t stop me.”