Learning to Trust, Starting Over

Last night I went out for dinner and drinks with one of my closest friends.  One of the questions I was asked was how I was doing with getting my life in order.  I think her exact question was, “how is the Bobby to be determined going?”

I haven’t really said much in the way of Bobby TBD lately.  It’s not been the easiest process, but I am proud to say I have continually pushed myself forward with all my energy.  Walking down the path of finding myself, figuring out who I am and starting my life over from square one left me thinking.  If I am truly starting my life over I need to discuss a major topic in my life.

Am I really starting over if I am not starting fresh in ever aspect of my life?

I decided the answer was no.  With that in mind I made a decision to truly start over from square one.  That meant forgiving all those in my life that I have felt wronged by or have been angry with.  That meant approaching all those people in my life that have been angry at me and asking forgiveness.  That meant wiping all slates clean.

Without a doubt in my mind the process has been 100% successful.  Yes, at times it has been overwhelming, but none-the-less it has helped.  Sometimes you just can’t forgive people, but allowing yourself to fully let go of your anger can give you a chance to live again.

The most heartbreaking moment for me was connecting with a former best friend of mine.  I wrote about her a few months back in a blog titled Trusting People.  She broke my heart one day when she called me and told me that she had started going to church.  While at church her priest told her that because I am gay I was pulling her away from God.  After hearing that she decided we could no longer be friends since I was gay.  It tortured me for years to come.

When I set out to forgive all those from my past and ask for forgiveness from those in my past I had never anticipated communicating with her again.  She had all but disappeared for all I knew.  Then the wonders of Facebook told me I might know this blonde girl a week ago.  It was her.  For a few days I pondered what to do.  Here I was, saying I was starting fresh with everyone and everything in my life.  What should I do?

I requested to add her as a friend.  About 24 hours later she was there at the top of my Facebook newsfeed.  She accepted my request so I looked through her profile, as we always do, for a full sign of who she is today.  I was impressed.

She is married now, looks just as beautiful as she always did, full of life and still has a sense of humor based on her pictures.  She also is now liberal and had made a few comments against Romney.  She was hitting all the right notes with me.

I decided to write her a private message.  I told her congratulations on her marriage and I hope we have a chance to catch up.  I said I was sorry for our horrible past.  I told her I hoped to hear from her soon.

The next day my phone buzzed and there was a Facebook message.  She covered all the bases and included a line that she should be the one to apologize for how she treated me.  I felt years of pain evaporate from my shoulders.  Sadly, from her message, I could tell we weren’t ever going to be best friends again like we use to be.  Our lives had moved on, but thankfully so had the pain.

My life is different now.  Different than it was 6 months ago, different than it was a year ago, different than it was 8 years ago.  I’m starting new, I’m starting fresh and I’m letting go.  I’m slowly determining who I am and finding myself.  No one is perfect.   Lord knows I haven’t been perfect over the years and have made mistakes, I’m glad I’ve forced myself to realize that everyone else is just as human as me and makes mistakes all the same.  My life, I’m going to get it right no matter how hard it is.