Drifting along

Sitting there at my desk Thursday I was watching the time tick by. The night before I didn’t even get 5 hours of sleep so I barely floated through the day Thursday. Then the clock reached the anticipated hour. It was officially 5:00 pm. Without thinking and barely having cleaned up my desk I reached for my bag. My body moved forward as if it was on a moving sidewalk. I was just transported in my exhaustion from my desk to the subway.

At the top of the staircase leading down to the train platform I could already see the platform was packed. My only thought was in the form of one word and that word was, “SHIT”. Not a surprise to me at all and it most likely wouldn’t come to a surprise to any person living in New York City, but the MTA was screwed up again. Luckily I was too tired to do anything more than grunt so I went down the stairs and waited for the next train.

Like an angel floating through a dark tunnel I saw the light coming toward the station. I closed my eyes and mumbled to myself, “please be a N or Q train.” The R also comes through there but I can’t take it.

By the grace of the subway Gods it was a Q. I’d never been so happy to see a Q train in my life. The doors slid open in front of me and people pushed and shoved their way onto the crowded train. Honestly, being that all the seats were taken I was so thankful the train was crowded. The other passengers were the only thing holding me up.

Riding there on my two feet out to Queens I started to think about all the questions I wrote about the night before. I was questioning if I should run when I got home or take a rest. I decided I didn’t have the energy to answer yet. Who knows, maybe changing my clothes and getting some water would have energized me.

I arrived at the apartment and walked to the bedroom like I typically do to greet my dog. Before I could reach down to her crate my phone buzzed so I flung my body onto the bed with my shoe covered feet dangling over the edge to read the text message that had just arrived. I responded promptly and laid there waiting for the next text in the conversation. I thought to myself, “why not take a little break to lay and text before walking the dog”.

Next thing I knew I woke up laying on the bed on my stomach with both feet still dangling off the bed. One shoe was still on and one had some how been kicked off. The iPhone rested comfortably in my hand as if I was a child holding a teddy bear. Then I heard movement in the corner of the room which I knew was the dog so I rolled over to say hi to her and noticed the time. I had slept for almost an hour. I had my answer. Running did not start back up again on that Thursday, September 6th.

Halfway through the evening I realized that my body made the best decision. Insomnia can be a pain in the butt. You battle it like it’s some type of unavoidable plague. You know you should fight it but you’re damned if you’re going to beat it when it wants to assault you and I know that my insomnia would creep it’s nasty little head back into my night.

Bedtime arrived and it was time to put myself to sleep and I couldn’t. I knew I should. I knew I was exhausted and it was showing in my eyes, but I was damned if I was going to fall asleep right when I laid down.

You see I left out the events of my evening. There was of course the emotions of missing my someone special, but to couple that with exhaustion and the ghost of my childhood past, well it was just damn near too much.

You see, a realative of mine who I hadn’t spoken to for over three years now had called me. Honestly, I was feeling lonely and sad when I saw his name flash on the screen of my iPhone. I thought, “well, I gotta start some where with him. Why not here and now? I have a nice champagne buzz going, so at least I have that as a lubricant to the conversation”.

I answered the phone. After maybe three minutes of productive, but admittedly awkward conversation we hung up and the silence returned to the apartment. I was left with my thoughts, the dark, and the bed. I was left to process the night and then lay myself down to sleep at midnight.

12:25 rolled around and I knew I was going to struggle for another evening. It was no shock to me when I closed my eyes that there was more distractions than when I had them open in the middle of Times Square.

You see, when I lay down alone I ask myself questions that I don’t think can be answered. My mind swirls around reality and thoughts of the future. My mind just gets away from me…

To be continued…