After lunch guilt

After lunch guilt

For the past two months I have been constantly on the go.  Every second has been focused on work, friends, family and travels.  It has felt almost impossible to exercise due to the packed schedule I’ve been living with mixed with a need to rest every once-in-a-while.  Now come September 9th I find myself a bit weighed down, but this time not by my schedule.  Physically weighed down is how I feel.  I feel as if I am putting on weight and that just won’t do for me.

Admittedly I am a bit hard on myself, but I can’t help but feel every ounce of food I have consumed the past few weeks sitting on my stomach, face, legs, arms and everywhere else on my body.  With that feeling consuming me I turned to my running monitor system, Nike Plus (I highly recommend checking the Nike Plus products out if you are a runner).  According to my Nike Plus account I last ran on August 24th.  In fact, according to my Nike Plus account, I ran on the 18th, 20th, 23rd and 24th of August and covered a combined total of 17 miles.  That’s just two weeks ago.  Yet, I feel like I am slothenly now.  This feeling has been amplified due to the fact that I ate a full lunch today, which is sitting heavily in the base of my stomach right this very moment, coupled with the feeling of exhaustion that consumes me due to a night of insomnia leaving me with a desire to go home straight from work and sleep.  Woah, I may not be running, but apparently I am writing in run-on sentences today…

Tonight is my first night in months without a single plan.  I am ignoring chores, not packing up my old apartment to prepare for my move, not meeting friends or anything else.  Once the clock strikes 5:00 pm I will be packing up my purse (okay, my man purse.  Call it what you want.) and heading straight to the apartment.  For the past week I have had every intention of climbing back on the horse and running today, but now the exhaustion is consuming me (reference my night of insomnia blog from 1:00 am last night).

Now step back a moment.  The need to run isn’t just that I have this strange obsession with my weight and feeling fat.  If you follow bobbytbd.com you will know that I am training for the Richmond Marathon which takes place on November 11th.  That is rapidly approaching and I only have a 17 mile a week base from two weeks ago under my belt.  Honestly, I am pretty sure I am screwed when it comes to this race.  For starters I am mentally not into the training.  Today, two months away from the race, I don’t care if I get out and train.  The only reason I am trying to motivate myself into running after work is so that I can burn off the food I have been eating lately.  The race is an after thought.

The original intent behind the race was to run with my friend Robbie from college.  I thought it would be a fun way to get to see each other and get some exercise along the way.  Additionally, I saw the marathon as a vehicle for distraction.  The first time I ran a marathon it took so much of my mind, body and spirit.  I trained rigorously for 16 weeks straight.  I assumed going into this summer, which I knew would be stressful, I could use the marathon training as an escape. This has not been the case this time around.

Now, September 6, 2012 I sit at my desk feeling full, nasty and frumpy after having finished my lunch.  Now I have to ask myself:

Should I be like the majority of Americans and throw in the towel when it comes to running today?  I could easily let my booty inflate after carbo-loading and following it up with no exercise whatsoever;

or

Should I run tonight.  Even when tired, push past the exhaustion and force myself to cover some distance no matter how feeble or little that distance ends up being.

Really though, I should try to get some rest and focus my energy on why I am so obsessed with my weight.  I thought this was an obsession I left behind myself in my high school years.  Can I blame the obsession on societal and social pressures or should I just admit the only person judging me for my food intake is me?

I know the answer, but it doesn’t make it easy.  Instead of addressing any of these questions and making a decision right now I instead will listen to some Destiny’s Child.  I just feel like a Bootylicious moment after taking a moment to very briefly touch on my thoughts about eating, weight and running.