Did this stranger really just fart on me?

Did this stranger really just fart on me?

Standing on the subway listening to my emotional song of the month, Roots Before Branches (the Glee Cast version), I was transported to another world.  I’m sure my face had painted across it that vacant look people keep telling me sweeps over me from time to time when conversations go silent and I’m left to my own thoughts.  At least I thought I was deep in thoughts, but before I knew it my mind was yanked from its blissful trot through my mind.

You see, out of no where, this straight frat boy looking guy walks right up to me and stands inches from me.  His back was toward me and he was balancing himself as if he were surfing.  My toes were no more than 6 inches from his heals, which on a train that has plenty of space I found to be unacceptable.  It was beyond me why he had to stand so on top of me being that the train, while not empty, was not full by any means.  Irritated, I turned my music up a bit louder and tried my best to ignore the awkward invasion of space.

I thought to myself that maybe he wanted my spot.  Some people are determined to have the standing spot up against the sliding doors, but there was a door across the train he could have stood up against.  There was no reason for me to move.  Instead I just kept trying to stay calm and ignore him.

For about two minutes I was doing a pretty good job.  That is, until the guy did something that seems to have become a regular occurrence around me.  He crop dusted me, farted in front of me, inches away, with his rear-end directed right at me.

Dude! That is not okay even if I were another straight guy.  You can’t use a human as a fart muffler to try and keep everyone else on the train from hearing!  I am a gay man, I should not be having to have this conversation.  This isn’t a Will Ferrel movie.  This is life!

Let me divert for a second.  I’ve never enjoyed fart humor.  When a movie of value has to turn to fart humor it always makes me feel sad for the writers.  With that said, I feel like this could have made a funny scene in some college, slap-stick comedy.

You should really try to visualize it.  There I was wearing my fitted purple tee, skin-tight Levi cut offs, grey slip-ons, green and white Jack Spade bag slung over my shoulder and had my iPhone in my hand listening to the Cast of Glee sing melodies in my ears.  I have to ask, what about my appearance said to this guy, “he looks like he would cover for me”?

Did I maturely cover for him and stand quietly as his stank wafted around me?  Of course not!  I reached up to my headphones popping one out and then the other and said all too loudly, “seriously?! You couldn’t even rotate and point away from me.  No one is over there.  That’s disgusting!”

He was a bit shocked, but I don’t care. That is just not right.  Let’s talk about lacking social etiquette.  Yes, it’s a natural bodily function everyone does at some point, but don’t do it on a stranger.  It’s just not right and it definitely is not okay.

Ironically, while fuming over this incident a song came on my iPod.  The Cast of Glee began singing No Air.  How can you not laugh.  There definitely was no air for breathing at that moment.