Shitting Rainbows is not Serenity

Shitting Rainbows is not Serenity

Sitting here watching Honey 2 I have transported back to the youth version of me when I use to sit at home all weekend in middle and high school watching dance movies.  At some point in the day my best friend Kristin would come over and we would start to dance.  Sometimes we would rock out in the livingroom, sometimes in front of the television in the family room reenacting the moves in the movies we were watching or we would go in the front yard and dance for my neighbors.

When we danced everything in my little drama filled high school world disappeared in the music and moves.  I was at peace during those dances.  I was in a good place while dancing during a hard time in my life.

Remembering this, my thoughts go to something someone said in a group I have been going to lately to help me work through some problems I have that I am trying to fix.  The comment was on serenity.  This man told me that finding serenity isn’t about shitting rainbows and skipping in a field of flowers, it’s simply about finding a feelings of being okay.  Realizing that even when you have found serenity in your life, your emotions are still going to go up and down, but you are in a place where you can manage them naturally and on your own. 

I sure as heck don’t have serenity in my life right now, but it’s the end result and goal.  I’m trying… I’ve started running a lot, walking every day, therapy and gave up drinking to clear my head and help me to start making positive changes in my life.  I’ve even attempted to research how I can get back into some form of dancing or other artistic past time to help lift my spirits some.

The one thing that confuses me though is that this is all about me.  I’ve heard what others have said to me, those who are still in my life and those who aren’t.  I have heard that I am selfish and that I do make everything about me.  By trying to fix the things about me that are wrong and fixing things to find serenity in my life, am I just turning everything back around to me or is it changing the negative things about me for the benefit of others?  I know I have hurt many people, talked shit about people, made horrible decisions, disregarded friends and families feelings and that I can’t go on like this.  My behavior and actions MUST change.

Step 8 of the 12 steps to serenity is making a list of those you have wronged and really apologizing to them.  I am not near that step yet, although I wouldn’t mind fast forwarding to it at times, but I hope those that I have hurt or caused pain to know that I am making an effort to get there and hope to be there soon.  I hope that they can see that I am aware of all the wrongs I have done all over my life and that I am striving to make things right.  I am trying to fix my shortcomings and all that is messed up about me.  It’s only been 21 days though and I know that I need to take a bit more time to understand what all I am dealing.  My past haunts my present every second.

I guess the real thing to strive for is serenity, change and progress as oppose to expecting perfection from myself and realize that the end result will not be “shitting rainbows”.