Sitting at my computer on more than one occasion, I have tried to write about this topic multiple times. Each time I get distracted and push the delete button. Once or twice I was distracted by life, phones ringing or having to rush off to something like work or a social event. Once or twice I hit writers block and once or twice I realized I did not like what I was writing.
I think all those distractions stem from one specific thing and that things is that my brain just can’t seem to be in one place. Most
people that know me know that 2012 has been a struggle for me in finding myself, starting a new life and really just trying to make the world around me make sense. That’s actually the reason why I changed my website from my name to bobbytbd.com. This year my life has been focused on determining everything there is to me.
The point of mentioning all that is to say that every time I sit down to write about my move I can’t shake the negativity associated with it. No matter what angel I take it seems I have to “throw some shade” in someone or anthers direction and that is not the type of person I want to be.
This move to Astoria served as the next to the last moment for me in the process to declare my independence and full control over my life. For as long as I have been alive my life has been nothing but living with other people. I moved from living with my parents to living with someone I was in a relationship. For the first time in my life I live on my own.
This move was like a border being placed between my old life as Bobby Argabrite and my new life as Bobby Hall. For the first time since all the hell in my life broke out into a public chaotic mess I have a place to go to where I can say, “this space is mine.
This space is safe. This space is for me. This space is me.”
The space is a room in a two bedroom apartment I share with a roommate. The room is amazing. It has two large windows that flood the room with natural light illuminating the bright colors I have strategically placed throughout. I’ve carefully decorated the room in a light grey with yellow accents scattered around in pop color and color blocking fashion. It’s an airy, light space full of positivity everywhere you turn. It’s a space that is full of my personality, which is something I’ve not really had in a very long time. It kind of defines my personality, the personality I am trying to re-engage with.
It also is a space that satisfies every need I recently realized I have when I need to be alone. It has a bed full of pillows to lay on. There is a windowsill for me to sit in and read and a “living room area” with a couch and TV for me to veg out at. In this space I can turn my music on and flutter around the room writing on my laptop and expressing all my thoughts and feelings in the privacy of my own home. I can escape into my own world in that space and that is something I’ve needed more than anything for a while now. It’s taking Bobby TBD and slowly helping me become more than an acronym.
One thing I’ve needed is to have a space, even if I don’t use it often, to call my own and where I am comfortable and safe being alone at. This is that space.
I’m taking a giant leap forward and know that the past is just that, the past. The sadness, pain, fear and anger that consumed so much of my thoughts and emotions in the early part of 2012 are behind me. Now I am moving forward.